Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Phone Check! (Is it right to check your mate's phone?)

Here's the thing, needing to know what your partner is doing, every minute of every day is not healthy. You should not need to audit every piece of communication they have. To me that does not sound like peace. It sounds like a stressful chaotic bout of paranoia that's guaranteed to keep you unhappy so long as the relationship exists.

Privacy in a relationship, specifically when it comes to checking one's cell phone/email messages/pictures/social media page should not be violated.  (Ever notice how many options we have now? I think back in the day all you could check was the mail!) There are many reasons why people feel as though they NEED to seek "evidence of mistrust" but should you really do it?

I took a poll about this on social media,  most people do not admit to going through their mates phones/social network pages/photo galleries etc. However, those who do, rationalize the action by saying, "If I'm suspicious, and I want to find something out, it's my right to check".  (It's your right to embark on someone else's personal information, so you can feel better. Sounds like stealing but .. hey not my business.)

Now what I didn't ask about in my poll question was the aftermath of a TRUST VIOLATION of this magnitude. Let's be clear, people don't typically walk up to their mate and say" Hey, I plan to go through your phone when you go to bed, anything you want to tell me?" Main reason is, trust in this relationship is already severed, and you want to preserve the element of surprise. You wouldn't believe anything they confess or deny, and you also would assume that all incriminating evidence will be deleted.. (THIS SOUNDS NUTTY RIGHT?)  For some this is a reality.

I've always gone by the notion, that if you search for something, you'll find it. If you're looking for something to be wrong, even an email from someone of the opposite sex can misinterpreted. You aren't looking for good news, you won't find any good news. (It's the law of attraction.)

The truth is.. before you go through your mate's  personal things.. do me just one favor; consider your motive first. What are you looking for? WHY???? Are you insecure for reasons that have nothing to do with this person?  What do you plan to find, and once you do find it, what are you going to do?

Here lies the kicker ladies and gentlemen. You are looking for something awful, you find it , then what? You end the relationship? You stay? Are you building a bigger case to fry them later?  Staying in a relationship where you constantly pry will cause your mate to become the latest version of 007. This sadly, is not going to help either of you. Guess what, if you're wrong, you're going to push that person away, and if you're right, chances are you really didn't need the proof in the first place. You knew that person was a dog/jezebel, and you just sat there stewing in misery. Is this the right person for you anyway? It's probably time to get out before you become a bitter untrusting crazy person.

Another thing I go by is, "What's in the dark, always comes to light." Which means, you don't have to be Joey Greico on Cheaters to find out what you need to know. It'll fall right into your lap. ALSO... you can just LEAVE?! Moral of the story, don't change your career path to CSI or SVU detective, unless you really want to do that for a living. There's no place for it in your relationship!

Thanks for patiently waiting on me friends! Next post coming soon. Please like, comment, and share.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

The Internet is not broken! The Too Pregnant to Care Series

Instead of working, like I should be doing, I decided to speak to my good people. I would first like to apologize for my hiatus. I had so many things on my mind, that I neglected the simple discipline to actually write them down. Shameful really, I'm also expecting so I probably forgot to a few times.  I think saying   (I'm Expecting); while speaking to anyone gives you a free pass for everything! You're pulled over, " Officer I'm so sorry, I'm expecting, I'm so preoccupied with bringing life into the world, that I totally missed that light!", or, "Yes I'm eating an entire HAM, I'm expecting."

Let's dig into that a bit, can I tell you how irritating it is to be pregnant sometimes? There are people that are built for it, the ones who glow like the sunshine, and they're always happily prancing around with their barbecued turkey legs. They take pictures of themselves every 3 minutes reveling in the essence of life. That's totally cool I don't knock those individuals, but I'm not that philly. No sir. I actually don't like taking ten thousand bathroom breaks, having pregnant brain, and strange women surging towards my belly. With the purpose to whisper LOUDLY towards my belly. BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO BE RECOGNIZED BY YOUR BABY.. sorry it's strange lol. Super excited about bringing life into the world, but if there was a stork that could just knock on the door and send me a baby; that looks like a combination of myself and my husband I would have been great with that!

SORRY, I know how much people HATE dealing with pregnant women and their feelings so let's talk about more important things that I'm too pregnant to care about! (Joking but, not really).

Last week in pop culture:
1. Kim Kardashian's NAKEDNESS
2. The guy being DELIVERT from being gay
3. BATMAN Playing Moses in Exodus
4. Solange is married again
5.The Horrible Aaliyah Movie

Okay I'd say that was enough. Let's begin

1. Kim K. West ......... flatline. How is she still famous? Well, I'll tell you, because just when you think you've lost her, she pulls something out of her.... yeah.. you get where I'm going with this? She has a very nice shape, and I know by once binge watching her reality show that she really really wanted to be a model; but wasn't tall enough so her posing naked, may make sense to her and YEEZY but.. I'm just kinda over it. Honestly it's confusing young girls, of all creeds, if celebrity "role" models don't know when they've gone too far, how will our young girls really know? THEY WONT. (We'll get back to this on another post because this is kinda too much to deal with even a week later).

2. The guy who has singlehandedly ruined the perception of Christianity, Homosexuality, tailored suits, buying off the rack, bowties, proper grammar, and speaking in tongues. You only get half a bar. HAVE A SEAT. I wasn't born at night, or last night so I don't believe you're suddenly no longer gay, I don't believe anything you have to say sir, and shame on whomever began this viral sensation. I'm tired of the heart of religion being the brunt of everyone's jokes, people are literally fighting for religious freedom in other countries, and this man is mocking struggles that people endure on a daily basis. I'm too pregnant to care for that one too.

3. So I'm watching TV, catching up on General Hospital (YES I WATCH GH) . Low and behold I see a trailer with Batman (Christian Bale) casted as Moses in the new Exodus: GODS and KINGS film. Humn.. Batman as Moses. I'm sure he's going to do a great acting job, but there aren't any middle eastern actors we can borrow, or some new comers? I understand how film companies want to "spend a lot to get a lot" but give someone else a chance. I'll just wait until the movie comes out to make further decisions on this.

4. Solange's wedding. So apparently she married a video director named Alan Ferguson who is a VAMPIRE. I say this because he's "allegedly" 51 but he looks like a hot 29? Way to pull a banger Solange!
Hopefully their marriage will be just as wonderful as her wedding photos because she seriously KILT the GAME on those bad boys. The entire wedding party wore white, they arrived to the NOLA nuptials on BIKES, Hov was looking like an ebony male with the bowtie flicking. Blue Ivy's Fro was DYNAMITE, MOMMA TINA looked like, "THE BOMB" in my martin voice. Fabulous job overall. Check it out for yourself because it's seriously a treat! BEST POP CULTURE MOMENT OF THE WEEK! Not Tasty Krispy Creme Kardarshian Cakes and HAMs. BEYONCE'S little sister. This is what creative types do for attention. Take notice.
Solange Knowles

5. The lifetime Aaliyah movie. I didn't watch it, and honestly the outrage from my social media outlets gave me the impression that watching it will take years off of my life, so.. I'm good on that. Apparently, Wendy Williams was a producer on the film and everyone is ready to rake her over the coals and I will be watching that. True it's going to give Wendy's show great ratings but you know what, I want to see how she's going to waltz out of this one. Wendy Williams has been clowning people for the longest, and people are designed for pay back. This should be interesting.

Alright guys, that's my round up! This series is going to be called the "Too Pregnant to Care!" Hope you got a kick out of it..Like Comment and Share.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Sasha Fierce in the Bedroom (Ladies Lounge)

For those of you who are outwardly prudish or aren't comfortable with having an adult discussion about sex, I suggest you closeout  right now. It's going to going to start to feel like the red room in a minute. (NOT REALLY)  I was hesitant about writing a post like this, because I shudder at the thought to think that my christian friends, aunties, and coworkers, will get the wrong impression of who I am. However, I'm quite proud of being a sexual human being, and I'm proud of sharing some of the knowledge I have. Hopefully it'll open up dialogue enough to learn some new things from my cyber friends as well.

Have you ever wanted to spice up your relationship and just can't come up with anything that makes you comfortable? He  may have suggested something to you, and you just don't feel comfortable?  Sisterfriends, you have to channel your feminine mystique and let go of the good girl image.

Here's a suggestion, become someone else. A lot of couples use role playing to eliminate the embarrassment of trying new things sexually. This doesn't mean you have wear costumes or anything like that. but.. maybe try an ALTER EGO. Maybe when you're pleasing him, you're playing your favorite erotic r&b song to help you zone out, maybe you've watched those Angel TalksMidnight videos. (You know the grapefruit lady?) Sidebar, if you haven't seen them, I'd advise you to check her out, she's a mastermind seriously. Maybe, your partner isn't quite getting you to the goal line, TELL HIM. If you have to be someone else in your mind, then use that to be your motivation to get you in the 6 (Football reference). As people we all have a fair amount of sexual fantasies, well take some time out to bring them to the forefront of your reality.


Like Beyonce has Sasha Fierce when she's on stage, try your own personal version of a sexual personality. This will help you become more uninhibited. You'll be more willing to take more sexual risks, and guess what, your partner will be stunned because you'll suddenly behave like a person he doesn't know. AND HE'LL LOVE IT! By doing this, you've mentally traveled into another consciousness opening up your prowless. You're not a good girl anymore, you're like Rihanna's more mature sister, ready and willing to do whatever you want to do, to ask for what you need, and to please that special guy in your life. Remember ladies, variety in a relationship can often times curb a man's appetite for other women. Why would he step out if you're 3 different chicks? He shouldn't need anyone else. His woman is literally the woman of his dreams! lol

There is nothing wrong with exploring your sexual fantasies! I truly believe that it helps you become a more daring individual overall. Whenever you can over come a fear, no matter what it is, it makes your next obstacle that much easier to defeat. Becoming pigeonholed in the idea that women cannot be who they want to be, because they have to fit in a specific mold is insanity. Why not try the things you like, with the man you like? There are so many conflicts that involve everyday life, and at best you should be able to be free for an hour or two.

The alter ego is just to help you get outside the box. It's more so about your willingness to see another side of yourself. You don't have to be what everyone one thinks of you all the time. You never do actually. You can be whatever you want to be. It's your life, don't waste it on trying to please other people. Sexuality is your right as a woman. You earned it, through every cycle of your growth, every curve in your figure, and the strength of your own mind. So embody your inner sexiness, let her come out and play. And don't do it because he wants you to, do it because YOU WANT TO.

Remember sexual freedom is at your disposal. Enjoy your night ladies, don't forget to stretch!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Robin Thicke's Problems!

#Robin Thicke for those of you who aren't familiar; is Justin Timberlake's more soulful, seemingly more mature doppelganger. Recently he and his wife, Paula Patton have separated and he's channeled all of his energy into trying to get her back. On every new single he's released and in every public appearance he looks like he's lost his best friend. Basically, he's looking like a swag-less pitiful shell of a person due to a bunch of bad decisions.

Not really clear on what happened exactly but given the new music he's come out with it, he's compromised the security she felt with being married to a "sex symbol". And let's be clear on something, he wasn't a sex symbol in high school when they first started their relationship. Over time, and most likely due to her help, he became a super star. Don't get me wrong , he did the work, he had the skill, but he was motivated due in part by a very strong support system. My question isn't really about what he did, it's more about how could this heartache been avoided? 

I have a theory. Relationships are like a plant. In order to keep a plant alive, you have a few responsibilities. You talk to it, give it the proper light, water it, and make sure the plant is always in a climate that promotes growth. Now here's how we apply this metaphor to real life in relationships. 

1. "Talking to it " Communication. Without communication, you really cannot go very far in a relationship. You have to talk to each other when you're happy, sad, or have a conflict. Without communication, your relationship will fail. 

2. "Give it the Proper Light and water" Now, here I mean, in order for both parties to be secure in the union both parties need some validation. Meaning if you don't tell your partner that you love them, or that they are special to you, how will they know? Guessing is not a feasible option. This is not that complicated, you can do it in however manner your mate has communicated to you, that they like to feel special (ie, a surprise text message, some flowers, a high five when they do a good job, publicly acknowledging your love), seriously anything will help. But it's very important to not stop doing this. Like the old saying is, "The same thing you did to get the girl, is the same thing you need to do to keep her." This rings true for both parties in a relationship. 

3. "Make sure the plant is always in the climate that promotes growth" This means, if you're a famous person like, Robin Thicke, you're not seen on TMZ grabbing booties, or letting little Miley twerk on you publicly for all the world to see. Now, if you're not a celebrity the same thing applies. If you're in a relationship and you're not home enough for your mate to talk to you, or you spend more time trying to be popular, you're actually not giving the relationship the environment it needs to flourish. You can end up planting a seed of doubt which in turn murders the other two steps. Depicting a playboy lifestyle as Robin Thicke did, did not help his relationship at all. The irony is, you don't see Paula Patton throwing her loves scenes with Denzel Washington in his face! She did her job, and went home. That's what you're supposed to do in a marriage. Don't entertain temptation, because in the end, it will undoubtedly get you in a "Smart phones don't cheat" Trey Songz type of issue. This is the equivalent to telling a toddler not to touch the stove, what happens when they do? They get burnt. 

Like I said before , I don't know exactly what happened with this relationship; but I do believe that somewhere along the way Paula Patton and Robin Thicke may have missed a step or two. They were married for long time so it's easy to not apply the TLC that's needed for people with really busy lives. In the end though, it's very necessary for the relationship to grow. Often times people assume that once you've married a person, or have spent a considerable length of time in a relationship; the work is done. Completely untrue, there's a reason why it's referred to as a labor of love.. There's actually work involved! If treated properly, you'll avoid crying at pianos like Robin Thicke because you took your relationship for granted. 

I truly hope they find their way back together. Or at least mend fences well enough to provide stable parenting for their adorable toddler. I'm sure this misery is going to make his music AWESOME. But I'm not the type to prey on the misery of other's for my own entertainment.

In short, don't let your love fern die! (How to loose a guy in 10 days! Best movie ever) . 

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Someone Help Chris Brown!

While reading through my Facebook newsfeed, and the blogs I subscribe to, I found out that Chris Brown was released from jail a few days ago. Due to his probation violation tied to the domestic violence charge received in 2009.

I'm going to get down and dirty about this, so those of you who are tired of people loving on a domestic abuser stop reading. Warning given, let's proceed.

I don't know Chris Brown personally, but I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a fan of his music and GOD given ability to dance his socks off. So as a result of this, I am worried about him. It's something about a black man that you can see literally self destruct before your eyes that is hard to ignore. He went from, a sweet face, Pepsi selling, double mint gum chewing, dance fiend; to an angry tattoo clad adult. I have a young son, who's face is just as sweet and innocent as Chris' was; so as a mom, I'm anxiously awaiting his turn around, as if he was my own baby.

Too many occasions have sweet childhood stars turned into crazy people in the blink of an eye.

There's a long list of them, all of them were introduced to us as sweet smiley face stars who were so adorable, that we all thought we knew them. Until they changed on us. Then of course we loose faith in them as they continue to hit the panic button in life.  Then we proceed to judge them. As if none of us have ever made mistakes in our late teens and early 20's.  Let's pause and think about how we have squandered some of our own opportunities, and how we'd probably hate those blunders to be publicized every single day. Like  we are the worst people in the UNIVERSE!  We say things like,"Man, this person has all these opportunities and all this money, why are they messing it up?" THIS IS MOST LIKELY THE ONE OF THE REASONS. Maybe also because their parents raised them to be famous. Not to be complete people, manner-able people, drug free, or even happy people. They pushed them to super stardom like a lead foot on the accelerator with no breaks. What then happens? They crash. It's inevitable (Queue the Morpheus voice). So please let's all stop sitting up here, acting surprised like it hasn't happened to the majority of the child stars we've become accustomed to supporting or even ourselves for that matter.

Since Chris Brown has been released, I'd like my homegirl Iyanla Vanzant get on a plane and Fix His Life. Where is Michael Eric Dyson when you need him, T.D Jakes, or Russell Simmons? He needs help from some strong people who have witnessed the trails of life, and can appeal to his senses before it's really too late. No shade towards Chris Brown's parents but let's just be real, they've had plenty of time to get him together, and clearly now that he's an adult, with real grown man problems, there isn't really much they can do for him at this point. He's now 25 years old, and we're very aware of the vitality statistics for young black men; regardless to if he's rich or not. He's one of ours, someone should be reaching out to him before he completely goes insane. The sad news is, I'm not really sure if the people I mentioned even want to speak with him due to his often erratic behavior and how the domestic violence dispute transpired. I haven't seen any Chris Brown and Oprah interviews, but I've seen her give Lindsey Lohan an entire reality show, which will most likely only make her situation worse, and show her support as her "spiritual auntie". (And if you know me, you know I love me some Oprah, so definitely no shade there.) But what about C BREEZY? Are black men, in the midst of struggle not important as well?

I'm tired of people treating our young black men like they are court jesters out here for every one's amusement. As special as his talent is, his soul is just as important, and if he doesn't have a supportive team around him, he will fail. And through his failure, he wrongfully influence the new generation of kids with the thought that, as long as you have money you can get out of anything. But we all know better. So today, while you're working, make yourself a Chris Brown playlist, and rock out! After all, his music can make you happy, even if he isn't.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

The Epitome of Grace: Rest in Peace Maya Angelou

Angelou and Malcolm X became friends during his visit to Ghana in May 1964.

Remembering Literary Royalty 
My first blog post if you can recall mentioned my need to emulate the poise of my idols who impacted my childhood. Maya, who served as more of a friend, and a mentor, to many women, over her 40 plus year literary tenure is so special, that her name immediately provides me peace.

There are many things that can be said about her, and like, many influential people the news of her passing has brought a wave of bittersweet remembrance. We are all selfish of our own personal memories of her. But her work, still lives on, but like the timeless angel she is, we all expected her to live , in the present form forever. At 86 years of age, she was called to her truest form today. She will be surely be missed by those who have been touched by her words, be it written or oratory.

When I first met Maya, I was an inquisitive young girl who noticed, that my mother had several books written by her, all with yellow pages. So by then they were obviously very old. I asked my mother who she was, and she was delighted in my interest and encouraged me to read them. So I did, every book in my mother's library written by a women, who had loved, and struggled much like most of the women I knew. She though had the courage to write her story, to impact, and somewhat heal those who were in the midst of her turmoils and triumphs.

I thank her for the music of her mind, and am humbled to have been directed in the spirit that she breed. She is truly one of my favorite authors, and I will miss her as if she was a family member. We should all celebrate her memory today and forever more.

I leave you with one of my favorite passages!



Monday, May 26, 2014

The No Kissing Rule: Does this really work?

A few days ago, I had a conversation with a friend who was giving me an update on a budding relationship. She's a strong independent woman who has decided to have a physical relationship with a man, but to maintain a publicly platonic relationship (sex with no strings). She says that she doesn't want to get any emotional attachments with the man so she's been having problem with him kissing her in the mouth. (The first thought I had of this was Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman) . Anyhow, she says that kissing is far too intimate and would rather not be that close to him.

The wheels started to turn in my head and I thought, humn, I should do some research on this. And so I did, I polled about 15 people for a mini research project( only the folks that know my questions can sometimes, get sexual and they wouldn't cringe by participating). So guess what I asked them? 

1. Do you believe kissing is more intimate than sex? 
2. Can you have sex with someone for the first time, without kissing them? 
3. When did you adapt this rule ? 

So... out of the 15 people that I polled, the majority them agree with my dear friend, in the fact that kissing is more intimate. There were a few who could not do one without the other, and some of them who just said, if the partner needs it, then, they'll do it , but they can take it or leave it. 

I really had to put myself outside of my "married brain " and dig a bit deeper to find my own theory. I grew up around a lot of males, and when they didn't kiss a girl, she was "apart of the team" meaning she would  be discarded, and typically only be used for the night. Personally, I paid attention to these conversations, so anyone who told me that they "didn't do kissing" had those less than pure intentions, so guess what, they didn't get any!  

Then I did some more research and science does agree. Kissing is a far more intimate act than certain sexual positions. Obviously, incorporating certain positions with kissing makes the act far more passionate and intimate. However, if I don't want to kiss you, you certainly can't have me! And that's a true testament to how I feel about myself and what I'm worth. My breath is good, I'm a good kisser, my lips aren't chapped. Kiss me. Also, it was rare while I was dating that I even wanted a short term affair, so that's how I can say this..

Now the initial question of this post is, does the no kissing rule really work?  If you're just trying to have a one night stand, and you won't be spending anymore fun nights with this person then yes. (You can actually have several of these moments, just don't kiss your partner). It can work, because you have found away to make the "love below " area, a vessel of satisfaction and nothing more. So if you would like to continue to use sex as merely as an urge to be scratched, and nothing personal, keep at it. I just ask that all of you, stay protected, because you don't want to slip up and have an 18 year contract with a person you NEVER liked; Or WORSE (THE PACKAGE IS REAL). BE CAUTIOUS THOUGH!!!

Truthfully, I'm still apart of the old school who believe that the majority of women, have the inept ability to confuse a sexual relationship with a real one. But ladies, if he's not holding your hand, introducing you to his friends, calling you and asking you about your day, and really listening to you: Kissing or not, you're not a potential mate, you're just on the "team". And Men.... if a woman doesn't do the same, guess what? You are indeed apart of the team as well. No need to take any time to "define the relationship" or wonder if she'll sweat you, because if she hasn't already.. guess what? She won't. 

Stay tuned, this is an interesting subject so I wrote a short story about it.. I'll post it in the next few days.