Wednesday, May 28, 2014

The Epitome of Grace: Rest in Peace Maya Angelou

Angelou and Malcolm X became friends during his visit to Ghana in May 1964.

Remembering Literary Royalty 
My first blog post if you can recall mentioned my need to emulate the poise of my idols who impacted my childhood. Maya, who served as more of a friend, and a mentor, to many women, over her 40 plus year literary tenure is so special, that her name immediately provides me peace.

There are many things that can be said about her, and like, many influential people the news of her passing has brought a wave of bittersweet remembrance. We are all selfish of our own personal memories of her. But her work, still lives on, but like the timeless angel she is, we all expected her to live , in the present form forever. At 86 years of age, she was called to her truest form today. She will be surely be missed by those who have been touched by her words, be it written or oratory.

When I first met Maya, I was an inquisitive young girl who noticed, that my mother had several books written by her, all with yellow pages. So by then they were obviously very old. I asked my mother who she was, and she was delighted in my interest and encouraged me to read them. So I did, every book in my mother's library written by a women, who had loved, and struggled much like most of the women I knew. She though had the courage to write her story, to impact, and somewhat heal those who were in the midst of her turmoils and triumphs.

I thank her for the music of her mind, and am humbled to have been directed in the spirit that she breed. She is truly one of my favorite authors, and I will miss her as if she was a family member. We should all celebrate her memory today and forever more.

I leave you with one of my favorite passages!

Monday, May 26, 2014

The No Kissing Rule: Does this really work?

A few days ago, I had a conversation with a friend who was giving me an update on a budding relationship. She's a strong independent woman who has decided to have a physical relationship with a man, but to maintain a publicly platonic relationship (sex with no strings). She says that she doesn't want to get any emotional attachments with the man so she's been having problem with him kissing her in the mouth. (The first thought I had of this was Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman) . Anyhow, she says that kissing is far too intimate and would rather not be that close to him.

The wheels started to turn in my head and I thought, humn, I should do some research on this. And so I did, I polled about 15 people for a mini research project( only the folks that know my questions can sometimes, get sexual and they wouldn't cringe by participating). So guess what I asked them? 

1. Do you believe kissing is more intimate than sex? 
2. Can you have sex with someone for the first time, without kissing them? 
3. When did you adapt this rule ? 

So... out of the 15 people that I polled, the majority them agree with my dear friend, in the fact that kissing is more intimate. There were a few who could not do one without the other, and some of them who just said, if the partner needs it, then, they'll do it , but they can take it or leave it. 

I really had to put myself outside of my "married brain " and dig a bit deeper to find my own theory. I grew up around a lot of males, and when they didn't kiss a girl, she was "apart of the team" meaning she would  be discarded, and typically only be used for the night. Personally, I paid attention to these conversations, so anyone who told me that they "didn't do kissing" had those less than pure intentions, so guess what, they didn't get any!  

Then I did some more research and science does agree. Kissing is a far more intimate act than certain sexual positions. Obviously, incorporating certain positions with kissing makes the act far more passionate and intimate. However, if I don't want to kiss you, you certainly can't have me! And that's a true testament to how I feel about myself and what I'm worth. My breath is good, I'm a good kisser, my lips aren't chapped. Kiss me. Also, it was rare while I was dating that I even wanted a short term affair, so that's how I can say this..

Now the initial question of this post is, does the no kissing rule really work?  If you're just trying to have a one night stand, and you won't be spending anymore fun nights with this person then yes. (You can actually have several of these moments, just don't kiss your partner). It can work, because you have found away to make the "love below " area, a vessel of satisfaction and nothing more. So if you would like to continue to use sex as merely as an urge to be scratched, and nothing personal, keep at it. I just ask that all of you, stay protected, because you don't want to slip up and have an 18 year contract with a person you NEVER liked; Or WORSE (THE PACKAGE IS REAL). BE CAUTIOUS THOUGH!!!

Truthfully, I'm still apart of the old school who believe that the majority of women, have the inept ability to confuse a sexual relationship with a real one. But ladies, if he's not holding your hand, introducing you to his friends, calling you and asking you about your day, and really listening to you: Kissing or not, you're not a potential mate, you're just on the "team". And Men.... if a woman doesn't do the same, guess what? You are indeed apart of the team as well. No need to take any time to "define the relationship" or wonder if she'll sweat you, because if she hasn't already.. guess what? She won't. 

Stay tuned, this is an interesting subject so I wrote a short story about it.. I'll post it in the next few days. 

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Dating and Relationship Secrets Every Woman Should Know

Hi Ladies,

This message is specifically tailored for you. There are times when we're new to a relationship that we have a tendency to "over share". I'm sure everyone can relate to acting irrationally at times when they wished they shouldn't. Here's a few things that I  believe should not be brought up and/or exhibited, early while dating, midway through a relationship, or even in your marriage.

1. Do not tell your current love interest illicit details about your last relationships.
This includes, who your best partner was, how much more money your ex has over your current lover, what you LOVED about him, and other things that you wouldn't want to know about his exes. This is important because it will make you look as though, you're still hung up on the past and  you'll look like blabber mouth who does in fact kiss and tell. Besides, do you think he really wants to know about these things? Not to mention, if you give away all of your secrets it'll leave plenty of room for judgement. Even if he asks you; keep a cool head, and don't go into too much detail. Poise is key.

Addendum, please don't tell your friends how great of a lover your new man/significant other is. Everyone isn't loyal, your relationship can be compromised by an associate who wants what you want!

2. Don't tell a man your friend's business.
For example, you remember that spring break trip, that included tequila shots and Mardi Gras beads, and how many the two of you came home with. SSSHHHHH. Keep that one to yourself, that includes; Vegas Trips, drunken bar fights, and etc. The trick is to make sure that he sees you for the woman that you currently are, and not the "harlot in training" that you used to be. Besides, what your friends did, is their business and you certainly don't want him thinking that you guys are just a team full of nasty girls. That's cool for a one night solicitation but not for a committed relationship. So practice early and just don't ever bring it up.

3. Do not ever, tell your man, that you're better than him, smarter than him, or rub in the fact you make more money than him. Please. Just don't do it.. Unless you want to officially end this courtship, relationship or marriage. It's important to maintain some humility. No one wants to be with a woman who throws their accomplishments back into his face. (this includes during an argument, he wont forget it, and you'll loose his respect) .

4. Let him hang out with his friends, don't call him 50-11 times while he's out. There are a few reasons why:
A. His friends are going to make fun of him (Man, your girl barely let you off the leash tonight blah blah blah)
B. You look needy
C. It's annoying
D. It'll appear that you don't trust him
E. It's tacky, there I said it. Sad but true.

5. Respect the relationship he has with his mother.
Ladies, you want a man that cares for their mother. That just goes to show you how he'll treat you. It's indeed a good thing. It's natural to be jealous of their bond, but at the end of it all, she's his mother. She gave birth to him. You don't have to become girlfriends, but respect is definitely needed. Besides you wouldn't like him in the first place if he wasn't raised right.

6. Don't use sex as a weapon.
I need to be clear in my explanation on this one: If you're upset with your man, work the issue out. Don't withhold sex as if you're worth just that. You're worth more than that, and if the issue is really more serious, is sex the only thing you should be locking down?

Here's some helpful tips to maintain that idealistic perfect wife/girlfriend/potential wifey status we all secretly want. Please like, comment and share! I'd love to hear your thoughts! .

Friday, May 2, 2014

The Wife-Sister Wife Series Conclusion

A lonely wife sits at her cubicle at work, thinking about how strange her husband has been behaving recently. He has come home angry, he falls asleep without kissing her good night, he's been working extremely late hours.. all the signs that her life experience has told her were signs of cheating. He wouldn't she thought, "After all we've been through; as much as I put out? " Well, maybe not as much as I used to, this kid keeps me extremely busy, and so does my new job, but he knows I'm dead tired, why wouldn't he understand that?" She sits there, tapping her fingers in heavy thought, wondering if her thoughts are even possible. "This man is a great provider, he is a fantastic father, and before these last couple of weeks, he's been a great husband.. But something just isn't right" . If he was cheating, what would she do, she thought. He is a man, a successful good looking one at that. And those types of men are hard to come by. She doesn't want to start over. "So maybe, he's just tired from work, you know because he's putting in so much time and all.", she thinks.  So.. as while sitting there in heavy thought, something tells her to check their joint account bank statements.. She logs onto the site... AMC theaters 15.00, Ruth Kris 120.59, Sprint 129.00, and the list goes on. This is strange, she thinks "We haven't attended a movie in months, let alone a steakhouse! " She starts to seep with anger. Then, she second guesses her thoughts, thinking making he's entertaining business partners and he finally got the business line on his phone that he's always wanted. Until she finds, "Embassy Suites, $349.50".

Now.. it doesn't take a prominent prosecutor to close this case, her husband is renting hotel suites, going on nice dinners, and paying cell phone bills. For all of you reading this, I advise that if you're in this type of situation, the next step, is to speak to your husband, not what she's about to do...

Our composite wife decides to dig into their shared plan phone records, she noticed a phone number from her husband's line that he's called, over and over, DAILY. She receives a call from her husband. She picks up.

Him: Hi Babe, how are you?
With discontent in her voice, oh I'm fine, just working, what about you?
Him: Well not bad, just wanted to let you know that the boss is making me work late again, on a Friday no less, so I'll be home late, so please don't wait up.
She says, with a deep sigh, well babe are you sure you can't get out of it, I really wanted to talk, and spend some time with you.
Him: I know babe, it can't be helped, I'll be home as soon as I can.

Now , this is starting to play out like an episode of cheaters! Where is joey grieco when you need him? She hangs up, angry as ever.. Takes a break from her desk, (notice she hasn't been working much today). and she writes down that number.

She goes out to smoke, in heavy thought now counting all the times he's called with the same "I'm working line". Condemning herself for believing that he was actually working. She is now at a level ten. So she dials that number. Our composite lover (from the last story picks up).

Composite Lover: Hello,
Composite wife: Hi. Who is this?
Composite Lover: This is "Pick a name guys , your decision"
Composite Wife: Why is my husband calling you at 3AM, are you sleeping with him?
Composite Lover: Well...
Composite Wife: Before you say anything else, you need to know he's my man, we've been together X amount of years and I'd appreciate if you'd leave my husband alone! Don't make me blah blah blah bleep bleep bleep. (You get the point. ) CLICK

I don't think we need to go any further, you all get the point. The wife made the wrong decision. She called and threatened our composite lover when really the person who deserved the confronting is none other than her husband. We have all been witness or been in earshot of stories like this, so we've all seen this happen before. There can be a way to reconcile in a marriage that has been ushered into this type of peril. But not until both parties are honest and upfront. And sadly, the person who gets hurt is the mistress.

I call this series the sister wife series because in so many instances, the battle continues and the wife and lover begin to share the man. They both keep him on, they're both equally as angry, they're  both losing, and no one takes the time to really consider that the husband is the core issue. He's been dishonest, he's not appreciating the value of the women in his life, and they are allowing him to do so.

I was chatting about this type of issue with one of my friends, and we coined the idea that, if they're just going to share this man, why don't they pool their resources and just own property together. You all can share him publicly, no one will be in the dark, you can both spend his money and share his time. The epitome of a poly amorous relationship. But in reality.. most women are too prideful and competitive for this to work. Not to mention it's ridiculous. No one should have to share their husband with anyone but his children!

I had fun with these posts but unfortunately it's too emotionally exhausting for me to continue this series! It makes me sad! I challenge all the people gracious enough to read this post to take a stand for yourself, and not let a man use you for his personal gain. Don't allow yourself to be devalued for the sake of a small fraction of happiness. Shine your light, don't let it be dimmed by a weak man! There are plenty of good ones out there ladies. Just start fishing!