Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Forbidden Love : Part 2 of the Sister-wife Series

You're eyes meet, his smile melts your heart. Every touch is like an electric shock to your body, sending impulses to your body that have never been awakened or haven't been for some time. You find yourself thinking about him before you go to bed, when you're getting your coffee for work, when you turn on the radio, you're in love. The relationship with this beautiful captivating man has you caught up in the rapture. It escalated quickly, that first encounter has now turned into weeks. He's educated, he's refined, he's perfect for you, except for one thing. He's Married! (And not to you). At wind of this news, where ever you are, you flee the scene like the culprit of a hit and run.

What's a girl to do? How do you undo the rapture? "He tells you that he doesn't love her anymore, he never loved her. He's never felt this way for anyone else before. Your connection is spiritual." You're a good girl, you've never done anything dishonest in your life. You know what game feels like, and you feel his love like an Adele song. "Never thought I'd find, someone like you...." but you think, "No.. that's the wrong Adele song, that one doesn't have a happy ending". Maybe Whitney Houston, "He feels me up, he gives me love, more love than I ever need." Then another .. :"Yes, I'm saving all my love, saving all my lo-, Wait, you know that's definitely a song about a mistress!"

You are now in a bubble. A scary bubble in which, your real life, and life of your dreams are colliding into an uncontrollable reality. Right as your turn the music off in your car, the phone rings. You can't deny  how excited you are to hear his name come up in your Bluetooth system, but you ignore the call. "Good girl,"  you tell yourself. You can't do this, what about his wife, what about me?" He leaves a message. You resist the urge to drive onto the next lane and you don't answer the phone.

You turn the car radio back on because the volume of your thoughts is maddening. " As we lay, we forgot about tomorrow as we lay" . At this point you really think that GOD Himself is playing a cruel joke on you. Like those times when you go to church and the pastor's message is perfectly tailored for you. One of those jokes. Back to silence. You hear his voice in your ear, " I want you, I need you." Finally you're home, and you check that message. "Hey babe, it's me, I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of  you. I'll speak to you soon. I Love you. " Your heart flutters and then your blood pressure rises. Now you're upset, you think, "How does he love me, how can he not love her? Why would I even fool with this man, I'm better than this.

Guess what girl, you have three choices. 1. Delete his number from your phone, never speak of him, suppress all thoughts of him out of your memory. Factory reset this man from you life and throw away the weeks you've spent together. The long lunches, the staring in his eyes. All of it. 2. Call his wife, but she probably won't believe you. 3. Throw caution to the wind, and find love in a hopeless place.

If I had to guess, I'd assume some of you are familiar with this feeling? So, I ask what did you do? For efforts of this story here's what option our composite lover did. She chose option 3. Finding love in a hopeless place. Since she knows his secret now, he tells her everything, how much his wife annoys him, how she doesn't support his dreams, how she doesn't get him! How psychically she's let herself go. You almost feel sorry for her! She seems terrible. Our composite friend asks very little questions and after each encounter she feels torn, both in love, and used at the same time. She's now partially accepted that her fairy tale isn't going to happen anytime soon, and she wishes that one day he will just wake up and see things differently and leave the wicked witch because our friend here is clearly a better lover, a better friend, a confidant, more than home girl could ever be.

Then .. her phone rings... It's his wife!

Before this gets ugly, let's stop and talk about this. Now that every one's glued in. We've all figured out that by now, our composite sister should have chosen option 1. Leave the relationship. Any person with self respect and self worth knows that someone perfectly designed for them will come along. Regardless to how slim the chances seem in the dating world . Someone else's husband is just that. Someone else's husband. If it wasn't you, it could have been someone else. Everyone deserves the right to feel special, but love shouldn't make you feel dirty unless it's the good kind of dirty :). I would advise any sisters out there who are in a 3 person relationship, to sever ties as soon as possible.

You'll soon see why I've labeled this series the sister-wives series.

Stay tuned for the next installment folks!

Comments and feedback is needed :)

From Sister-wives to Side Pieces; Your fault or his?

This subject has come up countless times recently, there is an epidemic or a highlighted occurrence that has been sweeping the nation as of recently. The “side chick”, “the other woman”, and “the dip off”; this woman is known by many names and caused peril and frustration to the masses. As Ecclesiastes 1:9 has always said;


What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.


This clearly states that anything that is believed to be a new trend is in fact a repeat of what has already been. There’s always been another woman, but what does seem to be new is the glorification of infidelity. There are reality shows, scripted dramas, and novels that have depicted images of intelligent, beautiful women, of all races as the other woman. Women are sitting on their couches with popcorn glued to the television excited to view the next installment of these “will they won’t they” relationships with hopes that the “side chick” will win.


Here’s the thing, the side chick will never win, you should feel sorry for the woman who believes that the lies a man tell her and the promise of leaving his wife will ever happen. #Message to the side chick: Regardless to how wonderful you are, these men love you enough to keep you around, but not enough to sacrifice the demise of their families for you. It’s just the truth. You deserve better than being the one he calls in the middle of the night, the one he only brings around his “trustworthy friends”, the one he tells everything too, but can’t admit you exist. You deserve better than the angry phone calls and altercations from his woman telling you to back off; and the hurt that you feel for being lied to. There is no love here, regardless to what he tells you. Now the one glimmer of hope is that he will leave her for you, then what? Like the old timers say:


               The same way you got him, is the same way you’ll lose him. “


You’ll be waiting on the inevitable so much that you won’t even have time to enjoy the relationship. You’ll be waiting for the pin drop, which guess what, will make him feel like you don’t trust him, and guess what he’ll do? CHEAT ON YOU!


The cowardice that men have when it comes to being bold enough to tell their wives their unhappy is astounding. Not only that, there are times when the married woman is more than knowledgeable of her spouse's infidelity and displays the same cowardice when it comes to leaving their men to pursue their own happiness. You’ll often hear sounds bites like, “We have been through so much, “, “I haven’t been as attentive as I should have been”, or, my personal favorite, “He’s just being a man!” This is how women convince themselves that this bout of infidelity is nothing but a figurative cold sore; and given time, it will just go away. He’ll grow out of straddling the fence and he’ll get his act together. So for the wife or girlfriend, everyone is due to make a few mistakes in life, but, in my opinion, developing an alternative relationship with a woman and coming to bed and kissing you at night is not an accident. It’s a blatant act of betrayal. He lied to you, he cheated, and in most cases he probably put you in physical danger (Unprotected sex is dangerous, you can contact STDs that are deadly and irrevocable)! This person that promised to commit you has betrayed VOWs several at once. And let me mention this ladies, if you did it to him, even on a small scale, be clear, he would LEAVE YOU.


Unfortunately, what usually happens is, instead of the women being angry with the man, they confront the “side chick” sure she’s wrong if she knows about you, but if she doesn't it’s not her fault. #Message to the girlfriend or Spouse: Regardless to if she knows about you, it’s still not her fault, he had to cheat on you. She didn't marry you, or commit to you. HE DID. This is a sisterhood issue; women are so busy competing with each other that they’re not paying attention to how this less than superior man is manipulating the both of you. And guess what, neither of you deserve it! Regardless to what type of past you've had, what mistakes you've made in prior relationships, wrong is wrong. There is a statute of limitations on personal guilt, don’t stand for this. Make a stand for your daughters, and nieces, and little sisters, don’t continue a cycle of demeaning yourselves by sitting sideline while your standards are being compromised.


So the question really isn't should you stay in a relationship where infidelity has taken place, the question is, more are you compromising your standards and allowing it to continue? Are you worth more than being the side chick? Is he the only man on earth? Did your mother teach you better than this? Do you deserve more than you’re getting? It’s time to self-notify and ask yourself this question, “When Cinderella rode off with Prince Charming, did the story read, they lived “Happily ever after” or, “Happily until he fell in love with her hand maiden-but Cinderella was okay, because she knows he saved her from her evil step mother so once and a while if he’s with her, it’s okay?” Get a grip people. 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Five Reasons We Watch Reality TV

 Yes Ladies and Gents ,

We've all been witness to a very enjoyable last few days  as a result of a recent "sex tape" that has conveniently leaked just before the start of the new season of Love and Hip Hop Atlanta. There's no need for me to even give you a synapses;  if you're on social media, which I'm sure you are, you've seen Meme's and Pictures that allow you to be highly informed on what's going on..

So every year I promise myself, I will no longer entertain this foolishness, I am educated, I am a mother, I'm ABOVE THIS.. Truth is.. No I'm not.. Reality TV has continued to be a guilty pleasure in my life and in the lives of  many others. I mean seriously there are all kinds of shows. Home makeover shows, talent reality TV, "partially scripted reality shows, cooking shows, or,  get stuck on an island and walk around naked for weeks. I could keep going but you get the point. They are everywhere. And regardless to who you are, you'll find yourself watching one.

And here's why I believe that is.

1. They are just entertaining, they make you laugh, they confuse you, you cry , whatever.. You're entertained nonetheless.

2. They are an invaluable escape from everyday life.

3. It's the safest way for a person to be judgmental and not feel bad about it.. You can watch these shows and say "Oh this person is so dumb!", and there are thousands of people who will agree with you!" Because these people choose to put their lives on television therefore allowing themselves to be subjected to this scrutiny.

4. They literally SHUT YOUR BRAIN OFF. You want an escape, go watch RHOATL or LHHATL or The Bachelor, anything with people who pretend to be sophisticated and average one fight, or something else undignified approximately every 18 minutes.

5. It makes for wonderful water cooler talk at work the next day. You can sit with your coworkers and refer to your notes from the night before.

So.. Although the reality TV wave doesn't solve ANY of your problems.. at least it distracts you from them for a little while.

Enjoy your reality TV if you are so inclined. I won't judge.. Unless you decide to broadcast it on a TV show!

Stay tuned to my posts. I'm hoping that one day I'll embrace my social consciousness and boycott this type of TV, but I just haven't gotten there yet.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Sensitivity to the N' Word

A couple of weeks ago there was much hype concerning the Looking A#$ Nig#A Song by Nicki Minaj. From what I can tell the song is basically about how disgusted she is about under achieving men, and it was a mini anthem or wake up call for those bumbs ..

 A lot of people were upset by the song title and her frequent usage of the N Bomb. Some men were effected by the track because she highlighted a bunch of bad traits concerning men in the present day. Here's what I know about how African Americans and Latinos utilize this word. This word as we know plagued the  majority Africans and African Americans throughout our stay in the U.S.( Well before the union actually!) African Americans have been documented in saying that the word is used  as a term of endearment. They have also been quoted as saying that it's often used as a direct reflection of under achieving, tacky , common people usually for any race..

The word is disgusting and how people use it is disgusting. But let's be clear it has ALWAYS been that way. The likelihood of everyone having a moral awakening to cease using the word in all genre's and formats.. is LESS THAN LIKELY.

So going back to the song.. Should African Americans be offended about the lyrics? Has Nicki Minaj set them (including myself)  back a few years. In my opinion, the answer is NO.

The truth is, she wasn't the first person to use the word, she isn't even the first person to put the word front and center on a track list. Have we all forgotten that NAS named his album N#$#A a few years ago? There was a similar amount of out rage and he eventually changed the name of the album to the N word.

I just find it ironic that whenever she says something that's "frowned upon" she gets this extreme backlash . I'm going to call it how I see it.. She gets picked on because she works in an male dominated industry where men get to call women B's and Hoes all day every day. These artist get to disrespect women in all formats really; and they get to use the N bomb as much as they want, and no one winces.  Misogynistic lyrics have been the corner stone for hip hop music since it's inception and yet when a woman turns the focus onto men.. then guess what it's HORRIBLE.

Knowing that it is an entertainers job to entertain and push the envelop and start a conversation based on their music. Then rest at ease because she is doing her job!

I took the liberty of attaching the lyrics of the song below. Give it a read and tell me what you think!


Thursday, April 3, 2014

Keeping it real does go wrong!

So Sorry friends,

I've been extremely busy digging through life's messes and spent a lot of time just jotting ideas but not putting the effort in to streamline any of them. There is something very pressing that I would like to share with my good people. There is importance in self worth and how you are perceived by other people. Please don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a no nonsense person that isn't afraid to say what they feel.. however with everything in life there are limits! A little goes a long way.. Some of us have the foot to mouth disease and I have great news. There is a cure.. BE QUIET!

Here's a few scenarios when you should exercise the ability to be silent.

1. A friend is going through something extremely trying in their life, and you noticed that they have been stress eating. The stress eating has translated into gaining weight and the outfit that they're wearing isn't very flattering. SHUT UP.. please don't ask them if they've put on weight.. Do not do that! Even if they mentioned that they have put on weight, you can encourage them, and offer to go to the gym with them. So you BOTH can live a healthier lifestyle.

2. Your boss is being a meanie, and you really want to tell them where to go. Before giving them the real please consider the following :
A. Do you have another job if you quit this one?
B. Do you have a forget it fund, in a situation in which  you've decided to leave a job when you don't have another one?
C. Are you being overly sensitive today?
D. Have you contacted the appropriate parties in assisting you with this difficult person (ie, HR , Another manager? )

3. Your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend's whining has rose to an all time high. Please.. don't ignore them or tell them to shut up! There could really be something wrong.. they could really need help. You never know what is dragging down their mood. Just ride the wave until it passes, or offer to take them out to one of their favorite places for a pick me up. After all you are their significant other, the person both of you have chosen to ride into the sunset with, so.. take that foul mood with a grain of salt and keep it moving.

Moral of the story, decorum goes a long way. And when someone you care about is in a foul mood or you're working with someone you don't like learn how to be smart